A Little Vulnerability from the West

It has been a few weeks since I've posted, being a lazy bum yet again! And although I have plenty ideas for postings, I feel this one, so prevalent in my life at the moment, should precede the rest. I am not usually vulnerable, especially on the internet, and there are very very few people who do know my deepest feelings and thoughts. This is hard for me, as for possibly many others to speak about but, let me begin: 

These past few months have been some of the most difficult for me emotionally. As of yet, I do not have a "real job" and therefore, during the week, the few hours I do work doesn't necessarily occupy my time. On and off I delve into my novel-in-progress, but then remove myself (again because of the laziness) and find much of my days empty and even lonesome. I have jumped into exercising, having it occupy a few hours of my mornings, I read plenty and do other things from time to time. But, this feeling, unshakeable and persistent, continues and musters itself at my weakest moments. I know the reason of course: I am alone. For much of my life, being an only child, I was alone often. But recently, the feeling has become overpowering and hard to bear. Don't get me wrong, I smile every day, go places, do things and make sure that this shadowy haunting feeling does not consume me while laying in bed in a catatonic woeful state. 

Without becoming melodramatic, let me explain my point. There are many people similar to me, seeking companionship in either friends, romantic lovers, coworkers, family, even strangers. In the NY Times the other day, I skimmed an article about people in today's era becoming too narcissistic. I thought to myself, "Why is this an article? Obviously people are more self-interested now." I've thought about this a lot for the past few years and believe that in Western Culture and specifically in the United States, people are more concerned with their own problems rather than anyone else's. These concerns fly past financial crises, medical conditions, severe living conditions, etc. and land straight into the pile of self-esteem issues, therapist visits and "my life is so awful" statements with heads plunged into tear stained pillows. Believe me, I am guilty of the tear stained pillow, but no one can deny that there are plenty more people feeling the need to "vent" about their parents refusal to send them to a certain school, their inability to get a BMW at age sixteen, their unachievable ideal weight. I want to make clear that I'm not talking about medical, legitimate depression, but a much less, more selfish, pitiful version (and I can say this because I am one of those people). 

In our own misery, we rarely recall those starving across the planet, the lack of freedom in countries, government injustices, wrongly convicted people, those with terminal diseases, miscarriages, rapes, torture, and so much more. Then, when I look in the mirror, I am ashamed of myself. How can I feel so low about my life when there are people in the world suffering more than I could ever possibly understand? How can I shed tears for myself without shedding them for those more deserving? I am privileged for all that I have, as well as many other people, yet we constantly find aspects of ourselves and our lives "sub-par." I have come to the conclusion that humanity in general will never be satisfied. We will always want more, will always be searching for our "missing puzzle piece" (whatever that may be). I believe that in American culture "more" and "bigger" are the two main words of our vocabulary when it comes personal desires.  

This is scattered, I know. But basically my point is that our constant desire to have more leads us with an empty feeling, a sensation that we are not complete because we have not yet attained "the house," "the job," "the weight," "the clothes," "the look," "the breasts," "the muscles," "the romance," "the best friends." We obsess over what we don't have instead of being grateful for all that we do have. 

Realizing that I have fallen victim to this disgusting trait, I am ardent about changing. I must. There is no question about it. I think everyone should always work to improve themselves and in my case, this is one of my faults that is necessary for me to overcome in order to grow as a person. If being alone is the worst of my ills, then I should be thankful for the rest of my life and instead pay more attention to helping others in more need. 

Summer Reading!

With the beginning of August and the passing of my birthday, it's a heads up that summer is winding down. For the past two months I have been reading like never before. I've read anything from non-fiction to classic Russian literature. Here are just a few of my favorites that I've read this summer. Number one of course is my favorite!

1) Gut Symmetries by Jeanette Winterson: Why read 50 Shades of Grey when Jeanette Winterson exists in this world? Her writing explains the depth of passion, sensuality, sexual desire and the many complicated depictions of love that I don't believe any other author has been able to do before. Simply put, her writing is beautiful and in this novel it is top notch. This fiction book revolves around a "love triangle," a love between a husband and his adulteress and his wife and his adulteress. It is most definitely different, but nothing short of amazing. Anything written by Jeanette Winterson is worthy to be read, but this novel in particular is a gem. Her writing is pure inspiration for me. 

 

 

2) Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky: I should have read this novel ages ago and it was a shame I didn't. When I asked my boss, also a Russian history professor, about Russian literature he handed me a fat hard cover; Crime and Punishment was the first novel in this 1,000 page book and so I began with that. Written in the late 1800's, this novel is surprisingly simple to read (possibly because of the translator). It was a bit longer than perhaps it needed to be, but still, it was thought provoking and really did give insight as to the Russian lifestyle of the low and middle class in Russian society at that time. The author also gave plenty for the reader to think about in terms of the philosophy behind guilt, who deserves to be considered criminals and catching a perpetrator.



3) The Himmler Brothers by Katrin Himmler: Do you know anything about WWII, the Nazi party and the Holocaust? Belonging to a Jewish family, that did lose decedents in this genocide, I was practically raised with the knowledge of the Holocaust. When I saw that Katrin Himmler had written a book about her great uncle, Heinrich Himmler and her family, I immediately bought the novel. The translation (since she wrote originally in German) is a bit botched at times, but nonetheless this is a fascinating read. It forces the reader to realize how "normal" of a family such as the Himmlers decades before the war, could have grown into such Nazi promoters. Also, Katrin Himmler wrote about the aftermath of WWII and how many Nazi's, such as her grandmother, had only concerned themselves about their rough road and the detriments of being defeated. They seemed to ignore the fact that they certainly assisted in and loved a man who deliberately found ways to torture and kill six million defenseless human beings.

Below is the author, Katrin Himmler and her great uncle, Heinrich Himmler.

 

 

                                                             

4) What is this thing Called Love by Kim Addonizio: This book of poetry that I found not only beautiful in language but also beautiful in detail. My favorite aspect of poetry is the use of imagery and this author definitely took advantage of the tool. Her poems at the very beginning were strong, powerful and yet intricately simple (if there is such a thing). It is a must read, not only for writers, but for anyone. Her writing is easy to understand and her message is direct and heartfelt.

 

5) Last but not least....Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling: I debated even putting the series on the list, but really, I could not resist. After letting dust collect on the series as they sat atop my book shelf, I finally decided to reread them all. It has been one of the most enjoyable experiences, truthfully. It may sound corny, but it's almost as if I'm reading them for the first time. Although the writing isn't as "grand" as the other books on this list or that I've read this summer, I commend anyone able to create an entire world that gives millions of readers pure excitement. Laugh if you want, but J.K. Rowling has taught me a lot about various useful writing techniques and her writing is much more than a children's fantasy. 



Straight Vs. Curled

As mentioned on a previous post, I've been dealing with the hair dilemma all my life. From actually managing my hair to making it look decent, my battle has been an uphill one. But, in the past few years, I've juggled between curly and straight. Since letting my curls go natural, I have absolutely loved their easy to manage look. But, it seems that when I straighten my hair every month or so, EVERYONE loves it. I don't get it. Straight is just...well straight. There's no body, no motion, no sway. And when it gets oily...beware. I look like a wet Goth cat. Plus, straightening my hair takes up to an hour and lasts two weeks tops.

So why bother right? Four reasons. My hair is longer when straightened, and I love having it fall so far down my back. The colors in my hair pop, are more noticeable and the dead ends don't have an orange colored tinge because I need another dye job. I don't have to wash it, which may sound gross, but my hair is so oily, that if I wash my hair more than once a week product builds up on my scalp. Using a shower cap and keeping it dry at all times actually repels any build up. If I tried to keep my hair dry with it curly, I wouldn't even be able to style it in the morning. And last but not least, it's always nice to be able to have a different hairstyle without having to go to the salon every month. I can interchange between two basic hair styles without dropping a dime, and that is pretty nice.

But judge for yourself: Curls or Straightened? I'm sure everyone has a preference, especially when it comes to their own hair!  

Maybe your Professors ARE Smarter than you Think!

Have you ever had a professor, sat through their class for an entire semester, critiqued their teaching style and judged them when it came to...well, almost anything? Because I am that type of person. I judge. And I especially judge my professors, holding them to a higher degree than most, since it is them I am supposed to learn from. Since high school I have done this. I love learning and believe it is one of the most important aspects of a person's life. To me, in order to learn, everyone must have a teacher who knows. I've had my fair share of cruddy teachers who didn't know squat and didn't care about teaching anything but their personal lives. But, because of my previous bad experiences I've judged too harshly, especially with regards to my graduate professors.

Since I am a creative writing major my professors are also concentrated in that area. I have the opportunity to read their published work. For about a year into my graduate program reading my professors' publications never occurred to me before. Then I read one of my poetry professor's book of poetry this past winter break and now I am reading a professor's non-fiction novel.

As I swipe (on my kindle) through the pages of this book, I am disappointed in myself for being so judgemental when it comes to my professors. Emily Raboteau was a fiction workshop professor of mine last fall. Prior to taking her class I was enrolled in fiction workshops with other professors and expected their teaching style. It took me quite a long time to adjust to her way of teaching; not because it was unique or odd, just because I was used to something a bit different. Instead of adapting I grew quiet in her class and chose not to participate as much in order to avoid my discomfort. I judged. And I stewed in my judgement.

Her non-fiction book, Searching for Zion: The Quest for Home in the African Diaspora, is an amazing accomplishment. I am only half way through, so I cannot give a complete review, but Emily is quite brilliant. She shares personal, vulnerable feelings with the world in order to connect with readers and pull them into her story with unique details. I won't spoil it, so in general I'll just state that although she and I aren't and haven't been in too many similar circumstances, I still sense the importance of her cause and share the general sentiments that she writes of. Also, she travels quite a bit and to locations that I don't have the guts to visit. I admire her passion for the truth, for her devotion to herself and her courage throughout. She is inspirational, while maintaining a realistic view of the world. The use of language, simple and yet precise and strong structure has greatly impacted my own writing. By reading this book, I have gained more knowledge about religions and regions in the world that I had known little about prior. I am shamed that I didn't take advantage of her expertise while in her class. I wish I spent more time speaking with her about my own novel, her opinions and her own writings.

So the moral of the story? Don't judge a book by it's cover. So lame, I know. But in this case most definitely true. Teachers have lives outside the classrooms, their creativity extending further than my own talent, and in my naivety I presumed incorrectly. I ordered three other books written by professors in my program and hope to write reviews for each. I can never stop learning and I am grateful that my program and speciality allows me to simply order from a bookstore my professors' novel or book of poetry and have them guide me even when not in class.

Below is a link to Emily's website and to Amazon where you can order her book.

Emily's Website

Buy Her Book on Amazon

Want Healthy Hair??

My hair troubles began in third grade. What started as a usual hair cut ended in one of the most horrific hair moments of my life (drama intended). You see, before this hair cut, my hair was relatively straight, with a little bit of body, but not much. After my hair recouped from the third grade cut from hell, it was the curliest and most untamable hair to deal with. The hair dresser cut it short, like, a mushroom poof on top of my chubby round head. Imagine that. I wish I could burn all the pictures taken at that stage of my life. 

But after it grew out, for three years I was obsessed with the bun, again, a very bad look. And after that I took years exploring products that would tame, straighten, soften, un-kink these curls I had no idea what to do with. It wasn't until a year ago when I decided to throw out all the crappy hair products and go natural. 

You think doing that would be the end of the dilemma right? Wrong. Well, turns out my hair becomes incredibly dry without product. My hair gets even dryer while taking my acne medication. So, for the past few months I've been researching different ways to hydrate and hold my hair without it being a gel or mousse. 

What I've discovered works for my hair are two products. The first is tea tree oil, which I had been using on my face for years. But after reading about the oil's benefits for hair, I decided to give it a go. The oil holds my curls without having the hardness of gels and mousses and without the product buildup on my scalp. My hair is quite thick, but I don't need to use too much of this on my hair in order for it to work. This you can find anywhere. I get the tea tree oil at Walmart. It's in the beauty products area and comes in a relatively small bottle, but looks similar to cooking oils. 

The second product from, It's a 10, is another Pinterest discovery. It's a 10 has tons of products, but I've only tried the miracle leave in. This leave in comes with or without keratin. I bought it with keratin because I'm trying to grow out my hair, and I have to say I am extremely satisfied. The product is sold special in salons but if you google it, there are tons of stores like Target, Amazon and Walgreens that sell It's a 10 products. Fortunately, I found the product on Amazon for twenty-eight dollars and free shipping. Now, the directions say to spray the product all over your hair and then comb through. However, after showering in the morning, I typically don't comb my hair, because without product, it poofs like a cotton ball. Even with this product, if I comb through afterwards, then my hair balloons into frizz. So what I do is spray this product, then use the tea tree oil to hold the curls as I run my fingers through my hair. 

It works pretty well and I've noticed hair growth. The only negativity about this product is possible over use. The keratin can make my roots stiff, as if I have product build up. So I usually wash out as much as I can everyday in the morning and I don't use either products on the weekends. It seems to help with how much my scalps builds up. It's a 10 is a great line and I recommend their products for all hair types.

These are the 10 things the products of It's a 10 are supposed to help with. 

This is the exact product I use. (P.S. it's made in the U.S.) 

Those Who Cannnot Help Themselves

Since regaining my determination to keep up this blog, I've been thinking, quite often, of the various topics I could write about for whoever reads what I have to say. Many blogs tend to review and promote products. Since I have done so (and will do so) I have nothing against such postings. But constantly I think, "what will make what I have to say different, unique?" Which leads me to my topic of today, Crate Escape. This post may not be "unique," but I'm hoping maybe someone who reads this will have a different reaction afterwards.

Crate Escape is a non-profit dog and puppy rescue organization. Its organizational presence is strongly set in the Hudson Valley of New York state, (where I am from) but its rescue activity extends all the way South, to the Carolinas. Crate Escape is  purely made up of volunteers devoted to saving the lives of stray, abandoned or given up dogs. Currently I create, form and write their monthly newsletter. I do this, like everyone else, on a volunteer basis, for two reasons.

One, the more selfish and less becoming reason: because this experience looks great on a resume. Plain and simple.

Two, the more complicated, version: because volunteering for such an organization adds goodness to the world and every little bit helps. As I sat at my desk a few hours ago, beginning the newsletter for August, it occured to me how little certain things matter in the grand scheme of the world (depressing, I know, but let me explain). History books, television shows, documentaries, songs and novels immortalize those memorable people- and occasional animals- that have died hundreds or even thousands of years ago. But what about everyone else? What about that young English man forced to hide his religion under a Catholic Queen or the other young English man forced to hide his religion under a Protestant King? What about that one mother forced to watch her children starve during the famine in Ireland, Bengal, Russia, China? What about those bodies, hacked, gassed, or shot to death in history's numerous genocides? Or how about that moment when a boy swims too far out into the ocean and drowns, alone, helpless? And the people who starved, who were beaten, who were ridiculed throughout history? Why have the masses, those people without "clout" in society been ignored in life and in death? Why have their actions mattered much less in "the grand scheme?"

Unfortunately, no matter what the answer may be, the fact is, just like the people before us our lives and our deaths, will one day be forgetten, swept under the earth's muddy rug. Perhaps 100 or 1,000 years from now, we will be nothing more than the highlighted news, the wars, the groundbreaking events which affected our generation. But we will never again be individuals, with personal pains, fears and ambitions.

So, after that slightly downtrodden, bleak outlook on the world, present and past, what am I even trying to tell you? Well, I guess this is it: That since those in the future may not remember who we are, we as a people should take the years we have and do some good. In the "grand scheme," our actions may matter little, but in the present, these actions can mean so much. Let's take advantage and contribute to the memories of those ignored masses, those people and animals history will undoubtedly forget. Through social media and all this technology, it's easy to ignore that there are problems around us that we can solve or assist in solving. Someone once told me, "Charity begins in the home," which is great and truthful to an extent, but what about all those who do not have a home?

It may seem like I'm doing so little for these dogs by creating a newsletter each month, but I'm doing it because these dogs, these defenseless animals, do not have a home. I am doing what I can to help those who cannot help themselves, to help those who history will forget. As I get older, I plan on doing more for those (animals and people) who need the help others neglect to give. I know I will one day be forgotten, that my good deeds won't be engraved on some pillar or bronze statue and my portrait won't be hung in a museum. But, regardless, what I do now, what we do now, is more important than any history textbook, more important than any interpreter of events. I want to live my life doing what I can to be a successful person and that means helping myself and helping others. We have however many decades of life to make a difference, to make an impact on our surroundings, so I say: Let's try and make these years count. Children may not learn about us saving a person's life or an animal's life in school. That doesn't mean our contribution is any less.

Did that make sense? I ramble too much. I hope what I wrote doesn't sound like some "romantic" version of "We are the World." I only mean that our years are numbered, so why not spend a little time doing some good.  Anyway, Crate Escape is just one way to help somehow and in case you're interested I posted their website and their facebook page below. Those in charge of the organization are wonderful to work with, and if I was able, I would help foster the dogs and puppies they rescue. There are pictures of a few dogs below that have stolen my heart!

Crate Escape Rescue Website

Crate Escape Facebook Page

A Happy Return and Beauty Products!

I admit it. I have been that absentee blogger. The "I have so many other things to do," and puts the blog on the back burner. Well...no more! I'm back and I'm staying. I'll be posting on here regularly, at LEAST once every week. Neglecting this blog has saddened me over the last few months. I've been concerned about my novel, about writing short stories for possible contests, about reading more often, that I haven't been able to write, simply for the sake of enjoyable writing. This blog is like a cool bubble bath after hours of running in the hot sun. I've been running in the hot sun without a nice break for months.

Today I would like to talk about two new "skin care products" that I've come across in the last few months. One, actually a prescribed medication, is more than just a skin care product, hence the quotations. The second is a skin care product, called Serious Serum, that is supposed to be amazing (yet I have not experienced such "amazing" results as of yet).

Accutane, as mostly everybody knows it as, is a prescribed medication used to eliminate acne after all other less "serious" products and medications do not work. I have been on Accutane (but the generic versions) for four months and it has truly changed my appearance and my self-esteem. Since my junior year in college I had acne and every year the pimples persisted, becoming worse as time went on. When I lost weight, they tended to disappear, but the second I gained the weight back, the acne returned. After trying to lose weight again, the acne never budged, deciding for whatever reason, that my face be cursed with the nasty white, and painful, bumps all over my skin. I was hesitant at first to try Accutane, primarily because of the extreme side effects, especially the possibility of emotional changes and depression. But the acne on my face got so bad that I decided to take the jump and go for it. I cannot explain how happy I am to have taken the medication. The first two months were pretty awful in terms of acne, because I had an awful flare up as the Accutane attempted to purge the pimples. But since the third month I have been pretty clear and the scarring is fading away as well (although slowly). I have no before and after pictures, because I deleted all the "before" pictures- I just don't like keeping photos of myself that aren't flattering at all. But I do want to make clear that I have almost none of the side effects warned about. The most extensive side effect that I've had to deal with is the ache in my shoulders every now and then, but that is probably due to my newly found dedication to working out. I feel great and I think people should really look further into Accutane prior to freaking out about the side effects.

Now on to Serious Serum. I discovered this product on Pinterest and many people were raving about it. It is known as an "AHA Ingrown Hair Eliminator and Skin Exfoliant." Many woman that get waxed have found it to be really useful against red bump irritation and those nasty ingrown hairs that return. I looked up where the product was available and ordered it from a store in NYC, Apothecarie, which is actually the only store in all of New York State (that I found) to sell Serious Serum online. A one ounce bottle cost me between $35-$38. After a few weeks, I have seen the red bumps on my thighs and ingrown hairs ease up and become infrequent. But, I haven't been using it as consistently as I should, which is my fault. I have been using the serum on my face every night before bed and haven't seen that much of a difference. I'm not sure how well the "skin exfoliant" side of the product actually works. It may just be that the Accutane shows more difference on my face than the serum. But I'm still hopeful. The bottle may only be one ounce, but it can last a long time. The liquid it not thick at all and a little really goes a longggg way. One tiny drop, smaller than the tip of my pinkie finger can be spread on at least half my face.

So, if you're having skin issues, whether it be extreme acne, ingrown hairs or just want to lessen the redness of your skin and have a nice feeling exfoliant, I suggest you to look into these two products. I would say, although I don't think the Serious Serum has been particularly AMAZING as of yet, it is still definitely worth the money. The link to Apothecarie is below and definitely check out the product reviews on Pinterest!

 Apothecarie Store